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I've been doing my best work at 3AM over the past few days. That's when this gem popped up in my head: "Your Baseline Doesn't Have to Be Crap, or Even So-So, Your Baseline Can Be Fabulous."


Let me explain...


I'm in the middle of a sorta detox. Sorta because the REAL detox won't happen for a bit, but I've already started in small ways to get the process going. And, the sorta detox is causing me to have wicked weird dreams and insomnia.


This week, after about 9 months of encouragement from my functional medicine doctor to get the test done, I was diagnosed with mold toxicity. And not, like "Hey, you've got a little mold in your system," toxicity but "Holy moly, you are at the top amounts of mold in your system for each and every type of mold" toxicity.


To be honest, up until this week, I didn't want to know. I had been putting off the test for months because I didn't want to know. I used the excuse that the test was expensive (it was) and that it was too much work (peeing in a cup, freezing it and going to FedEx was beyond what I could accomplish. If you know me personally, you'll know going to mail something is the hardest for me... I don't know why. I ended up doing a blood test that cost a bit more, but I avoided FedEx!)


Over the past few years my baseline has ebbed and flowed, but in the past year or so, I've really struggled. I was consistently feeling like crap.


And, I had tried lots of things. Changed my diet, did therapy for my low lying depression and anxiety (which helped immensely because I had other stuff going on too), worked with a health coach (who was fabulous), changed my supplements, did IV therapy, and started spending time in a dry sauna.


All good things, by the way. But my baseline was still just so-so fairing to crap, and I really had no idea. You know when you are living life to the best of your ability but you just can't figure out what the heck is going on? You chalk it up to life... I have busy, energetic twins. My husband is gone at work for days at a time. I am launching 2 distinct businesses... the list goes on. It's just life.


The symptoms I've experienced, which change daily, have included asthma, weird rashes and yeast problems (which are caused by Candida- also something that is common with mold toxicity). I have also experienced joint and muscle pain, felt like I was 80 and not 42, had increased irritability, anxiety and depression and felt like my world was going to go completely gray. Brain fog has started to cloud my mind. By 7PM I have usually been knackered. I craved heavy carbs, sugar and wine, feel completely despondent and enjoyed pizza a little more than I needed to. Oh, and I gained like 25 pounds.


By the way, these are just my symptoms. During my 3AM bouts I have been reading about mold toxicity and it effects people differently.


Where did the mold come from? My bet is that I've been accumulating it for years. My boyfriend's apartment flooded in Texas while I was in college... who knows how much mold was in that place. I lived in a very old apartment building in Cambridge, Massachusetts and you could smell the mildew and mold in the basement laundry room. We had black mold in our house next to our windows in Alaska (condensation and blackout shades caused the issue) that I cleaned without a mask. I love coffee, mushrooms and blue cheese. And, because I have a compromised immune system, I probably wasn't processing all of that shit I was breathing in or inadvertently touching.


I've been trying to figure out these symptoms for years, and I am really glad that I am finally ready to make some changes. Now that I am ready, I have to have my current home tested for mold before diving into full treatment. The treatment won't work unless where I am living is mold free.


In the meantime, I've started some supplements and changed my diet enough that I am experiencing some detox symptoms. Hence the 3AM wake ups.


And here's the thing I've been really thinking about. It doesn't matter if you have the same thing going on as me. What matters is if your baseline is so-so fairing to crap too. My current baseline is related to my health, which is huge, but someone else's baseline could be related to their work life, or their home life or their romantic life. These are huge too. All of these things contribute to our lives, and if the baseline is not feeling good, where do we go from there? How are our lives effected by our current baselines? Mine is impacted in lots of different ways.


I strongly believe in rest, light exercise (in nature if possible), meditation, eating foods that nourish your body and seeking support. I'm on that quest to bring my baseline up- so that my life is happier and more connected. That has been my mode for years.


If you would like some support increasing your baseline- especially if your baseline is low regarding your work life, romantic life or home life, reach out to me at info@katherinephifer.com. We'll find a way to boost it.


Oh! And I absolutely love my Glow Mediation. It's one of my favorite things I've created. If you don't already have this, it will support you in a metaphysical way to boost that baseline too.

You know the phrase "burning down the house?" The other day, in passing, I said "maybe I'll just burn it all down." I meant it figuratively, not in reality or actuality. But, my son Jack heard me and freaked out. What about the neighbors mommy?! What about OUR STUFF??? I had to quickly tell him that I didn't mean that I was actually going to burn our house down (I mean, I like our house). But, that I wanted to make some big changes. I promised that I would watch what I said, and that I would never burn anything down. I also reminded him that I am the most fire conscious of all of our family members. Can you imagine his thoughts?


If you saw my social media post over the weekend, you likely saw that I shared about dealing with some low lying depression and anxiety. It's been going on for a while, but seems to have kicked up big time recently. It's almost as if everything else in my life is calm, so this seems like a good time to fall a part a bit.


And the one thing that I noticed, is that by allowing myself to share this shadow side of me, the side of me that I have been afraid to share for my entire life, that other people commented that they experience the same things as me. A lot of people wrote and shared love. It meant so much to me. To know that my shadow side is OK to share AND that we can not feel so alone in this.


I have always been afraid to share that I am struggling. What if I am a burden? What if I am "too much." What if I am shamed or quieted because I have these feelings? I mean, this shit is vulnerability at it's best. My own perfection gets in my way all the time.


I have generally run my business, my social media posts and how I interact with this world with the belief that positivity will be the best way to interact and support people. Showing up high vibe and sharing "glow" helps others. I am super dedicated to the belief that you attract in things based on your vibe.


But, you know what also is helpful? Showing up with authenticity. Not that I wasn't showing up with authenticity before... but I kept my shadow side hidden behind closed doors (and tucked away in the back of my closet!) and only let a few people see that side of me. The positivity isn't inauthentic, and neither is showing up with struggles either.


Sharing from a grounded, positive state is something I love to do. I want to inspire others to live the lives they love to live! That is really important to me and my mission. But, as I fall a part a bit, I've come to the conclusion that it's ok to also come from a space that isn't so high vibe. What I've been pushing away, and hiding behind closed doors is that I haven't been feeling amazing. Lately I feel like I am walking through sludge. I think that I've been dealing with some form of ebb and flow of depression and anxiety since my boys were babies, and it's only recently that I figured it out. It was super easy to hide from when I was exhausted and focused on everything and everyone besides me.


Honestly, I do want to *figuratively* burn down the house. And you know what? Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe by getting SUPER clear on what is serving me and what isn't and purging all the things that aren't serving me will clear out all of that sludge? It's a thought. As long as I don't burn down the good things... right?!


For so long I have been driven to "achieve." To achieve the great job position, or the family with the house and two car garage, or the business, or even happiness. Happiness isn't a destination, my therapist reminded me of the other day. I knew that. I teach other people that. But, I think I might have forgot that for myself. Happiness isn't a place, or a moment, or a thing. Happiness is a state of mind. A feeling and a being. I've been checking in with myself regularly over the past few days.... do I feel happy now? How about now? I'm surprised how many times I notice that I am authentically happy. I wonder if the unhappy moments over cloud the happy ones? Like, one unhappy moment clouds 25 happy ones throughout the day?


I also find the dark feelings unbearable. I can't stand it. "Why can't you get it together," I will ask myself. But you know what? These feelings are telling me something big! And that, my friend is what I set out to figure out.


I'm fully dedicated to getting to the bottom of it. I want to attract in amazing things as much as I want to support others to do it too. I want my relationship with Tony to be deep, authentic and healthy (which it is, I just want to continue that) I want to be a present and conscious parent. I want to be a leader and fabulous coach. Those are all things I am dedicated to doing.


And, I'm ready to share my journey with the hopes that it will bring some light to others experiencing the same thing. Many women I know say "me too" when it comes to feelings of depression and anxiety. It is an epidemic, in so many places in the world right now. While I try to figure this out for me, I will share what I am learning to support you too, if you need it.





So, here's a couple things I am trying right now:


I went back to therapy. So far, it's really helpful. I'm pretty sure I manifested my therapist and she is amazing. If you are thinking about therapy for yourself, there are few resources I really like. Goodtherapy.org is great. Your insurance company likely has a list of providers in your area. You can even google therapists in your city. If you are in Anchorage, Alaska, I have a TON of therapists that I would highly recommend, so please reach out to me if you need some support. Not all therapist are the same, and so if one doesn't jive with you, please find another one. I mean, you are sharing your deepest pieces, so it's good to feel good about that.


I am trying to walk in nature a few times a week. This is huge. The sun on my skin, hearing the birds in the trees and even smelling honeysuckle is really connecting in with my mood.


In my meditations I am using crystals to focus my energy. It is actually working! My favorites so far are rose quartz and citrine. Both are quite effective.


I'm soaking in my tub. Without my cell phone. Instead of multitasking, I am trying to focus on letting the warm bath relax my soul.


I am journalling in the morning. Whatever seems to pop up allows me to understand where to go each day.


I am making time to watch TV. I know this sounds silly. But, unless I binge-watch a show, I don't watch TV. I'm working on enjoying all that Netflix has to offer. Which is a TON!


I am trying not to bully myself into getting things done. I want to get rid of a lot of things in my house and I am finding that summoning up the energy for that is hard. I am starting with a list and then will try to check off one thing on the list a day(?) or every few days.


I see my functional medicine doctor tomorrow. I know we will have a fabulous talk about what I am eating.


And, I am focusing on my sleep. I downloaded this cool app called Sleep Cycle on my iPhone and it is so fascinating. It can read from the microphone in your phone how you sleep. Then, you document how you are feeling when you wake up in the morning. It is really an informative process!


As we move forward, I'll pop in with thoughts about mental health awareness. I no longer want to hide this behind closed doors (and in the back of my closet). I no longer want to pretend it's not there. And so, we will take this and lift off of it. You'll still find fabulous information and support about how to get into living a glowy, high vibe life in this blog and going forward with The Happy Love Project. But, we'll be incorporating this in more too.


Until next time, be well and do amazing things.


Love,


Katherine



Have you ever wondered why it's so hard to let go of things?


Why do we struggle to let go of a routine, or a habit, or even a place or a person?


I've wondered this too.


To be honest, as someone who loves deeply and fully, letting go of people and things that just don't serve me anymore is challenging.


I love my routine. I attach to people and to places and things. I'm that kind of girl.


But when times change, when things or places are no longer offering me what I need, or when I find myself letting go of someone, I find myself in the throws of being unbalanced.


It's human nature. We like safety, we like to know what's happening. We connect deeply and soulfully.


Have you ever had a breakup with someone, and you find yourself out of sorts over and over again about why things didn't work out or how it could have been different? Sometimes blame comes into play, and even regret?


When you love hard, letting go is even harder.


Letting go of a thing, place or person doesn't mean forgetting about them.


It just means that our hearts aren't invested in them as much or as deeply.


Letting go of something or someone can be incredibly freeing for ourselves. It can allow us to have more room for new and different things to come into our lives.


FIRST: It's ok to be heartbroken and sad. Sometimes we try to bypass any emotions with letting go because they hurt. It's totally ok to have feelings and to ride the waves of grief. Feel the feelings. It may take a long time to process your feelings and to get through all of them. Anger, sadness, denial and grief are completely normal. Someday, you won't be so entrenched with the feelings.


SECOND: Get clear on what you have room for in your life OR what you can do differently now that things have changed. Change brings the opportunity for new things, what could that be for you?


THIRD: Find as much positive energy in your heart and body that you can and send it with love to the other being or thing. Shower them with golden light and immense love. Have kindness in your heart for them, and silently wish them well. If you are letting go of a thing or a place, send love to them and even thank them for being in your life.


FOURTH: Practice a cord cutting mediation. My favorite one is to sit in meditation, and imagine the person, place or thing your are letting go of. In your mind, shower them with light. Then, imagine a thick cord connecting you to the other. Now imagine cutting that cord. Gabby Bernstein has a fabulous cord cutting blog article if you decide to read more about it.


AVOID: Numbing your feelings. It could be easy to find yourself numbing out with alcohol, over exercising, over indulging in sugar, or even shopping. None of that helps. Anytime we attempt to escape from dealing with feelings, we just end up staying stuck.


Letting go is a part of human nature. We are ebbing and flowing all of the time with things, places and people. But, when we love deeply, letting go becomes even more challenging.

Katherine Phifer

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