There's lots of secrets to better sex, actually. Physical intimacy, while not rocket science, can be a process of figuring ourselves and our partners out. It takes play and a willingness to be open to trying different things (even if you've been playing together for a while) to keep things sparkly.
But, I believe the secret to better sex first starts with how we feel about our bodies. Which, is a complicated thing because there are so many layers to body love to uncover.
We have to uncover all of the paradigms that keep us from loving our bodies before we can truly dig in deep. Like, the paradigm that tells us that power lies in beauty. We either subscribe to that, or we don't- but either way we land can be detrimental. If we subscribe to the paradigm that power lies in beauty, we could spend our whole lives keeping up with others, forcing ourselves to fit into clothes and boxes that keep us small. We could forget that there is so much power in our voice and our thoughts and only rely on our beauty. Or, if we consciously push against that paradigm, we could go fully opposite and not take very good care of ourselves. We could over indulge in foods or drinks that aren't serving us all the while believing we are loving ourselves when actually we are not. For me, unconsciously I've been on both ends of spectrum and it's taken me a while to figure out how to let the paradigm go completely, while also investing in how I look, because it's important to me.
Or, what about the virgin/whore paradigm that keeps us confused. Are we supposed to be a virgin or a whore? What are mothers supposed to do? What if we are not young anymore? How do we fit into the world when we have been and are given so many mixed messages throughout our lifetime.
It can be tricky work to uncover all of the layers of societal and cultural norms to get down to loving our temples. And even more so, to love our temples so that we can have better sex.
There's a saying out there, and I'm not sure who coined it, but it goes like this: "You can't heal a body you hate." Well, I would say the same about pleasure. You can't fully feel physical pleasure with another human being if you hate your body. I honestly don't think it's possible. If you hate your body (or just are critical of it) you likely will spend the whole time with another person thinking about or trying to maneuver your body in ways to hide what you don't like. You could be focused on what your partner is thinking about your body (when they are likely just really into the whole moment, really.) You could let all of your feelings and thoughts about your body dictate how little or how much you actually are "in" your body when you are lovemaking.
So, how do you love your body more? I've got a few ideas for you....
Treat your body like a temple.
Fuel your body with the best ingredients you can afford. Find out what foods serve you and what foods don't serve you. Generally speaking, processed and fast food can be no good for your body. And, don't forget what you drink! Drinks can be laden with ingredients that just aren't great for us.
Focus on getting fabulous sleep. If sleep is something that is super challenging for you, get my free Fabulous Sleep Guide.
Dry brush and anoint your body with lotions and oils. Start with a dry brush session where you brush your skin with a bristle brush. Then take a luxurious bath or shower. Finish with anointing your body with oils or lotion. And, then if you are going to bed, put on a dreamy pair of pajamas or nightie.
Talk to your body. Tell your body how much you love it and how grateful you are for it. Think about all the amazing things your body has done for you.
Wear clothes that feel good and uplift you. There are well fitting clothes for any size out there and for any budget out there. Spend a little time and money on clothes that highlight the things you love about your body.
Focus on your own pleasure. Spend a little time getting to know your erogenous zones and what works for you orgasmically.
Forgive yourself for any harm you've done to your body. What's in the past is in the past. Now is the time to focus on your present and future self.
Do the healing work you body requires. Whether you have experienced physical, mental or even emotionally trauma, you body stores all of it. Do the healing body work with energy healing, chakra work, reiki, massage, physical therapy, psychotherapy... whatever you require.
Let your lover marvel at your body. Your lover is into you. Let him/her/they spend time enjoying you.
There are so many ways you can work on your relationship with your body, and these ideas will get you started. I have a feeling if you spend some time loving your body, your sex life will get even better than it has been before.
It can be easy to do. When you are up to your neck in parenting decisions, money decisions, grocery decisions and who's going to be where when... not to mention all of the other things you carry in your life... your mojo can fully leave the building. Like, how is it possible for us to feel sexy and on fire when we have so much to do? How is it possible to feel our inner cauldron when the whole world feels like it falling apart? And, not to mention that the predominate culture in which we reside (the patriarchy) makes it pretty hard to embody our divine feminine these days too.
So? How do you get your mojo back?
Well, to start, recalibrate your ability to feel good. Part of the answer to your missing mojo is to take amazing care of your body and mind. Take some time to get your sleep in order. Eat healthy and clean foods. Let go of toxic stuff that might be weighing you down (I'm talking processed food, any foods you are sensitive to, and over indulging in booze.) Clean up your side of the street emotionally. Take responsibility for what's yours and set boundaries around what's not.
Second, calm your nervous system. Your body doesn't know how to connect to her mojo if you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed or otherwise out of sorts. I just recently heard that everyday stresses are more detrimental to our bodies than big stresses. Since we don't live in stress free environments, we have to figure out how to recalibrate our bodies and minds. This can look like yoga, massages, meditation, asking for help, working through the big stuff with a therapist, hiring a coach to help you organize your life and any other tasks that allow you to connect with your nervous system and calm things down.
Reconnect to your divine feminine, the juicy part of you that ignites your mojo. Wear clothes that feel good and sexy to you (and if sexy = uncomfortable, that's not an accurate depiction of sexy.) Dance to your favorite music in the kitchen. Light candles or buy some fairy lights and create a mood with your lighting. Watch a sexy movie or show. Read a romance novel.
Reconnecting to your mojo might take some time. It likely took some time to misplace it in the first place. But, I know it's in you, waiting to be uncovered again.
If you would like to take this conversation further...
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Just because your partnership with your love is fine... perhaps working like clock work... doesn't mean that you don't have to infuse it with a little passion here or there.
In most relationships I've encountered, whether as a coach, a therapist or a friend, there are moments that my friends and clients say: "Yeah, it's good. We're good. But, I am a little bored." Or they say "We work well together. But, I would love a little more." Or, they say "I don't want to rock the boat. We co-exist, but I'd love something..."
And often, years after committing to each other, these humans and their partners are living in the patterns they created years ago, with the same routines, the same conversations, the same responsibilities, the same parenting duties, the same sexual positions and the same dates.
The rut is real.
And deep down, wanting more fuels midnight longings and wistful feelings.
Wanting more but not knowing what to do ignites missed glances and un-approached touches.
Just because your relationship is fine doesn't mean you don't have to work on it.
And honestly, with the intense feelings and chemicals of new love long gone, you actually have to work a bit more.
There are many layers that go into fueling an intimate relationship. There are a lot of things that contribute to the art of intimacy.
Often we are bored in our relationships because we are bored with ourselves. We don't know how to change the routines or patterns without having to deal with some sort of mess or fall out. And, honestly we don't have the time or the energy to clean up any messes.
It begins with you. Your turn on. Your passion. Your fuel to the fire. And then, it moves to your lover. And vice versa for them.