The Magazine

The other day I was looking at myself in the mirror and I had this thought…

If I don't fully love myself for me, how can I expect anyone else to?

Self help gurus have been asking this question for forever, but it landed differently in my mind this time.

Can I love myself besides the accolades, besides what I look like, besides the achievements or the identity that I wear, besides all of that… Can I love myself fully? Can I love myself fully for, well, me?

For someone who grew up in a culture where accolades, beauty and achievements were the barometer of love and success, I have a lot of unlearning to do.

This then got me to thinking about the practicalities of the deep, unconditional self love. What does it even look like? What actions am I taking to love myself? And, more importantly, what actions am I taking that show me that I am not loving myself?

For example, when I eat nourishing foods, and I meditate and I get a lot of water and I get good sleep… these are actions that are done in complete love of myself.

And, when I order food that isn't good for my system, or I go on a social media binge late at night, or I don't set clear boundaries for myself, or I am overly critical about the way I look… I know that I am meeting a need within me, but these actions are not necessarily the most self loving. These actions are doing something, whether it's distracting me, numbing me or soothing me. But they aren't necessarily full of what's best for me.

And then the question after that is: If I am not loving myself in full, is it unrealistic to expect that someone else ought to love me in full? If I don't fully love me for me, can someone else fully love me for me? I don't think so.

I think the best example of this is around my body. I recently, in the past year, gained weight. My brainwashing of what a beautiful woman looks like is constantly challenged when I look at myself. I have to do a lot of work in my mind and my soul to remind myself of how beautiful I am and how the patriarchal beauty standards are not something I want to subscribe to. And it's work. But, if I decided to go down that rabbit hole and un-love myself because I am not the size that an industry decided was “beautiful” I think my lover would likely feel the disconnect. How can I expect him to love my body, if I don't?

This is a topic we can dive deeply into. One that we could sit over coffee or tea and talk for hours about.

But today, I want to invite you to think about it. How do you fully love yourself? What actions do you take? And, what actions do you take that feel like they could be love, but they really aren't?

This is the intimacy work.

With love,


Lately I have been stuck in a storm of asking “how.”

“How will it work out?”

“How should I plan this?”

“How do I make this happen?”

And I don't know.

I don't know how it will work out.

My plans seem to get thwarted when I make them.

I don't have the capacity to control the situation.

Blah. Right?

One of the biggest parts of the law of attraction is about how the “how” is not up to me (or you). The goal setting is up to me. The creating crystal clarity around my desires is up to me. The next aligned action is up to me. But the actual “how”… nope. Not up to me.

This is super hard for a empire running mother of twins to grasp. Because wow, would I love to control how most things go.

I have a feeling if you run an empire, you can relate.

We have big dreams, you and I. Even if we aren't even quite sure what they are just yet. And it would be lovely to know how they will come to us. It would be lovely to know that the path is decided. It would be lovely to know it is all going to work out.

When the path is foggy, as sometimes as an entrepreneur and empire running queen it is, it's hard for me to also accept that I won't know how the next right action will come to me. It feels murky and muddy and unknown. And whew, that's unsettling.

While the how isn't up to me, I have been finding a lot of solace in knowing that not only does the Universe have my back, but so do I. I've got me. I've got the capacity to hold the big picture and the big dream. I trust that I will do the next right thing for me and for the situation. I know that things always work out for my higher favor, even when I don't think it's possible in the moment.

It can be easy to get caught up in a storm of fear and feeling stuck- especially when the answer of how isn't seeming to appear. I think that just perpetuates fear and stuck-ness. When that happens, I have been trying to actively shift my energy into embodying what I desire. I think about the desires, I close my eyes and I feel into who I imagine I'd be with that desire in my life. I let go of the fear. I regulate my nervous system with deep breaths. And I allow myself to energetically align to my desires. The how isn't up to me, but the energy, the actions and the desires are.

Often I think about the time right before I met my husband and how much I really wanted to find a man to be with. I thought maybe love wasn't meant for me. I believed that I wasn't worthy of deep, sweet, adoring love. I honestly didn't even know what that was. But I got clear on what I wanted (and did not want). I was specific with myself and with the Universe on what I was energetically available for so that when he came into my life, I would know. And when he did walk into my life, I wasn't even sure he was the right one! But, the how opened up as we moved on a path together. I would have never guessed that I would meet my husband on the edge of the earth in Anchorage, Alaska. But I did. The how wasn't up to me.

So, if you sometimes get stuck in the “how” of everything, come back to this message. Remember my words. We can never know exactly how something is going to work out. But it always does work out.

PS. If you'd love to have articles like this sent directly to your email inbox, you can subscribe to my love letters HERE.

Cue Ariana Grande's 7 Rings song in your head.*

A while ago a predominate leader in the self help/coaching industry received some pushback in a social media livestream when she mentioned something about outsourcing the cleaning of her house. Then the leader responded in a way that made a whole lot of people mad, and the heart of the conversation got buried under all of that anger.

Here's my thoughts on outsourcing….

We can't do it alone. We aren't meant to do it alone. Any devotion to the idea that we are meant to do it alone is connected to a construct that no longer applies to this day and age.

We operate in busy, full, lively, expansive lives. We have so many large responsibilities on our plates. And, we don't have to do it all. In fact, I encourage all of us not to.

The conversation with the leader I was mentioning above turned sour when one person said the leader was entitled and privileged to have someone clean her house. And, maybe so. Maybe it was a troll saying those words; maybe it was someone triggered by their own money story and couldn't ever imagine having enough overflow to pay someone to clean their house; maybe it was someone who legitimately couldn't imagine outsourcing such a thing. Maybe the leader wasprivileged and entitled. But, deep in all of that turmoil something deep hit within me. This was a conversation about the constructs of an outdated system.

If you plan to run an empire, I highly recommend outsourcing tasks that you (a) don't enjoy and (b) that you don't want your precious time going to.

Your time is money. Your time is energy. Your time is finite.

By outsourcing things in your life you are also not only generating wealth, but you are letting the Universe know that your field of expansion is wider. And, even better, you are paying someone else and helping them expand their wealth too.

If you are currently building your empire and don't have the funds to outsource all of the things… start thinking about which tasks you would outsource first. Like, for example, my husband hates to take care the lawn, and I am sure not going to do it, so we first outsourced our lawn care and honestly it has never looked better (sorry, Tony!).

When I worked as a mental health clinician and my hours were nutty, not only did we have the boys in some kind of child care (first an early childhood program that was amazing, and then when they started school an after school program) AND I hired someone to pick the boys up from school twice a week and come over on the weekends that Tony worked so that I could breathe a little bit. My mental health greatly benefited from the support.

I don't, however, have a house cleaning person as of yet. Someday I will, but other things have taken precedence and I don't mind cleaning my house.

Here's some examples of things you can outsource:

All of your meals: Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (private chefs love to make meals for the week).


House Cleaning

Car Cleaning

Child Care

Child Transportation

Hair Styling

Lawn Care

Home Management

Company Tasks

Social Media Management

Window Washing

And the list goes on and on.

Outsourcing does not mean anything bad about you. It's time lay down any guilt that we have for not being able to do it all. Especially guilt around child care tasks. Moms tend to feel guilty for not being able to spend hours in the car shuttling kids to all the things and other mom-like tasks. (Let's have a conversation about personal policies soon!) I am fully not open to the mom guilt- so I say let's release that for good!

Here's to building our empires. I am so excited to be a part of this journey with you.


Katherine xx

PS. If you'd love to have articles like this sent directly to your email inbox, you can subscribe to my love letters HERE.

Katherine Phifer









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