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She's Sacred with Katherine Phifer

The humans I work with are often business owners. They are artists, creatives, healers, coaches and mentors. They are industry leaders. They are people in charge of big projects for Fortune 500 companies. They are leaders.

In my conversations with them, we talk a lot about what lights them up.

I ask… what turns you on? What are you passionate about? What ignites your spark?

Like, what makes you so excited to wake up and go do during the day?

And, sometimes they grasp to find the answer.

Work is great. But it could be better, and more exciting.

Home life is fine. But sometimes the routine feels like a rut.

Everything is fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine doesn’t ignite the fire though, right?

Fine doesn’t light up the spark in our bellies.

And that can be tricky to face. Because sometimes we don’t want to rock the boat if everything is “fine.”

But, what if there were a few tweaks that we could do to light ourselves up more?

Here are five bespoke ways you can ignite your spark today…

(by the way, bespoke is my new favorite word).

✨ Lie down on a comfortable surface. Close your eyes and take in deep, steady breaths. Send the breath all the way down to your sacral chakra (this is a place two inches below your navel- the uterine bowl if you are female). Breath cleansing air into that part of your body until it feels replenished and connected to the rest of your body. (If you have time, you can do this with all of your chakras.)

✨ Go into your closet and pick out your favorite clothes. If they need to be cleaned or pressed, go ahead and do that. And then, put them on your body. If makeup, sensual oils and doing your hair lights you up, do that too! Notice how you feel when you wear clothes that feel really good on your body.

✨ Write out a list of everything (and I mean everything!) that lights you up. What gets you feeling sparky and on fire? Sex? Love? Conversations? Books? Time in the bathtub? A fun project at work? A creative project? Dinner at a bougie restaurant? Get it out on paper so that you can see what you want to infuse more of in your life.

✨ Ok, now the opposite is to write out everything that makes you feel blah. What takes your spark away? Fights with your love? The school pickup situation? Conversations about certain topics? Tasks inside your work? What can you delegate, shift or not do anymore? What boundaries can you implement to make these things better?

(Side note- the car ride home from picking up my boys used to be stressful. They would be in a mood after a full day and it was a long 20 minute drive. Now, they each take turns being “DJ” and we listen to the most fabulous music. It has totally changed my vibe and my attitude about riding home with them.)

✨ Dream about your ideal day. From the minute you wake to the minute you fall asleep, if there were no chores, no tasks that felt like they bogged you down, no issues with someone you love, nothing that felt like it wasn't very fun, what would your day be like? And more importantly, how would you feel? (Write it all out, or speak it into the voice notes of your phone.)

Ok. So which one most resonates with you right now? Which of these will you try today?

If you are feeling stuck with this, I have the perfect option to take this conversation with you further...

Get my free mini program all about your devotion to you as a leader.

This story was originally shared as three part series on social media.

So, it was the Fall of 1996 and I was a freshman in college at TCU. It was a crisp November morning. I was there and waiting for her at 8 o’clock exactly. I was not doing well in her class. She had decided that I was a terrible writer. I was a terrible advocate for feminism and for the women’s movement. I was too soft. Too cliché. Too dumb. She had expressed as much in class.

She told me if I didn’t meet her for this 8am meeting, I would likely fail her class. She was not impressed that I didn’t speak up without being called on and when I did, I was full of ridiculous thoughts that no self respecting feminist would utter.

So, I was there at 8am on the dot. I didn’t want to fail my Women’s Writers class. It was my first semester of my first year of college, and honestly, I had never failed anything before.

She didn’t show up until 8:30. She was surprised I was there. She didn’t think I’d show. She was sheepish about being a half hour late.

She had no idea that my insides were betraying me and that I should have been in bed. That I had lost 15 pounds since the beginning of the semester. That I was really sick. I had no idea either.

She had no idea that I was doing my best and that speaking up was the hardest thing I possibly could do. My 19 year old self was quaking in my shoes. I had no idea what to say, and any smart thought disappeared from my mind the minute all of my classmates eyes were on me.

Showing up for the 8am meeting and then waiting a half hour for her to show up went far and beyond her expectations. She told me exactly what to do to pass her class, and I did it to a T. I received a final grade of a C and I was over the moon.

She got fired after the semester she taught me. Apparently the way she treated some of her students in her classes had raised the eyebrows of a few parents and they complained.

But, when I returned the next semester, I was smarter. Brighter. Savvier. I knew what to say. I studied the right answers. I wasn’t quite as shy nor quite as sweet.

I became bound to being the best. I became bound to fitting in. I became bound to not being embarrassed in a classroom ever again.

And those binds transcended to other parts of my life. Be the perfect girlfriend. Be the best writer. Be fast. Work hard. Become like everyone else.

I became spellbound.

Spellbound to worrying about other people’s opinions and other people’s perceptions.

Spellbound to an illness that dictated my life.

Spellbound to hiding my gifts for fear of being too bold or too big. Or the fear of appearing too smart or not smart enough.

Spellbound to not knowing what my true magic really was.

My insides were wrapped up in anxiety. My gut couldn’t take it any more. I was sick with anxiously trying to control every single detail of my life.

It had been a lifetime in the making.

Learning just how nice girls behaved.

Being soft, and easy and afraid.

I was pretty. And cute. And nice. And warm. And boundary-less.

I was spellbound. To society. To the picture. To the dream I thought I desired.

I was spellbound until I realized, repetitively, that the rules just didn’t make sense.

I was taking medications for my autoimmune illness that my soul was screaming at me to stop.

I was living a fine life that I thought I had wanted, but my light wasn’t fully turned on. I dimmed my power, my magic, my boldness and my brightness to fit in.

I was worried about what the whole world thought of me as a person and especially as a mother. My kids didn’t get the best version of me because I was so wracked with anxiety when we were in public or with other people. My boys had big personalities and I was afraid to be seen as a bad mom.

I was in toxic relationships with some friends where I pretended to be a version of my self that I thought they would like. I metamorphosed myself into the version I perceived they wanted. I did the same in past romantic relationships.

I was walking a tight rope, trying desperately not to fall. Trying desperately not to falter.

Until one day I decided to fall off that damn tight rope and to figure out how to become boundless.

And then I made it my mission to support anyone who came into my realm to be boundless too.

If you desire to become more boundless in your leadership, I have the perfect free masterclass just

Until next time, with love.

xo, Katherine

Often when I work with high powered women who are in long term relationships with men, they have a few grievances to share with me. Partnering and conducting life with another human being, no matter their sexual orientation is hard. But often, because we had such a different experience and different role models as we grew up, the heterosexual partnership can be challenging to navigate. The toxic stereotypes that were ingrained into our culture that we are currently uncovering can lead to arguments, grievances and divide. This happens particularly for women stepping into new arenas in their leadership. The cultural expectations shift when we do things that haven't been normally done. And, much to all of the dismay of every lady, we really can't do it all.

The issues that often come up in conversations with my clients revolve around partnering on finances, parental duties, house duties, time and schedules. And all of these arenas are challenging to navigate no matter what your life dynamic. But, what do you do when you come up against the same arguments and irritations again and again?

Here's my advice: You sit down and talk about it. A lot.

You don't fight about it. You talk about it. And, here's how you do that:

First. With your partner you set the stage for a healthy conversation. You say "Hey love, I have some things I'd like to chat with you about. Is now a good time, or can we make plans to chat soon?" (You never know what mental space some one is in, and offering to chat now in the moment or at a later date lets your partner tell you how they are doing and if now is a good time.)

Second. Talk about the issue from your perspective. Use your "I feel" statements. Say, "This is how I am feeling/experiencing {fill in what is happening}.

Third. Listen. Ask your love what's happening for them and what he needs. Maybe this is something that hasn't occurred to him before. Or, maybe he has found himself leaning back into old patterns that he knew as a kid. Maybe there are other things going on that you haven't considered yet. Ask him about what he needs moving forward.

Fourth. Ask for what you need. Offer solutions. Ask for your partner to be a partner. Be a partner to your partner. Be curious about any dynamics in your relationship that feel outdated or not really helpful to you.

Fifth. Do this often! Find time in your conversations to check in and talk about how things are going. You are in a working relationship and that means actively partnering on all the things that happen in your lives.

Sixth. Go do something fun! Spend time doing fun things together. You didn't get married because you wanted a business partnership (which those can be fun too). You got married because you wanted a life partner to share your life with. And part of your life is to have fun and enjoy each other's company.

And, while all of these steps feel like they are tied up with a nice little bow, remember that life is messy. Sometimes these conversations won't go well. It might happen that you will be firmly connected your stance and your husband will be to his. And occasionally you won't come to a conclusion during the first conversation. Don't give up on figuring out how to make it work together.

Here's to healthy partnerships, leaders.

With love,


PS. I have a few resources for you to take this deeper....

Get my free mini program all about your devotion to you as a leader.

Watch my free Masterclass all about being the boundless leader.

Get my Feminine Leader's Rituals Kit to bring your spark back to you on a daily basis.

Join the waitlist for LOVER my Inner Circle all about your intimacy as a leader.

Work with me in my intimate, high level, 6 month Private Coaching Container.