YOU MATTER... AND SO DO I.
You know the phrase "burning down the house?" The other day, in passing, I said "maybe I'll just burn it all down." I meant it figuratively, not in reality or actuality. But, my son Jack heard me and freaked out. What about the neighbors mommy?! What about OUR STUFF??? I had to quickly tell him that I didn't mean that I was actually going to burn our house down (I mean, I like our house). But, that I wanted to make some big changes. I promised that I would watch what I said, and that I would never burn anything down. I also reminded him that I am the most fire conscious of all of our family members. Can you imagine his thoughts?
If you saw my social media post over the weekend, you likely saw that I shared about dealing with some low lying depression and anxiety. It's been going on for a while, but seems to have kicked up big time recently. It's almost as if everything else in my life is calm, so this seems like a good time to fall a part a bit.
And the one thing that I noticed, is that by allowing myself to share this shadow side of me, the side of me that I have been afraid to share for my entire life, that other people commented that they experience the same things as me. A lot of people wrote and shared love. It meant so much to me. To know that my shadow side is OK to share AND that we can not feel so alone in this.
I have always been afraid to share that I am struggling. What if I am a burden? What if I am "too much." What if I am shamed or quieted because I have these feelings? I mean, this shit is vulnerability at it's best. My own perfection gets in my way all the time.
I have generally run my business, my social media posts and how I interact with this world with the belief that positivity will be the best way to interact and support people. Showing up high vibe and sharing "glow" helps others. I am super dedicated to the belief that you attract in things based on your vibe.
But, you know what also is helpful? Showing up with authenticity. Not that I wasn't showing up with authenticity before... but I kept my shadow side hidden behind closed doors (and tucked away in the back of my closet!) and only let a few people see that side of me. The positivity isn't inauthentic, and neither is showing up with struggles either.
Sharing from a grounded, positive state is something I love to do. I want to inspire others to live the lives they love to live! That is really important to me and my mission. But, as I fall a part a bit, I've come to the conclusion that it's ok to also come from a space that isn't so high vibe. What I've been pushing away, and hiding behind closed doors is that I haven't been feeling amazing. Lately I feel like I am walking through sludge. I think that I've been dealing with some form of ebb and flow of depression and anxiety since my boys were babies, and it's only recently that I figured it out. It was super easy to hide from when I was exhausted and focused on everything and everyone besides me.
Honestly, I do want to *figuratively* burn down the house. And you know what? Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe by getting SUPER clear on what is serving me and what isn't and purging all the things that aren't serving me will clear out all of that sludge? It's a thought. As long as I don't burn down the good things... right?!
For so long I have been driven to "achieve." To achieve the great job position, or the family with the house and two car garage, or the business, or even happiness. Happiness isn't a destination, my therapist reminded me of the other day. I knew that. I teach other people that. But, I think I might have forgot that for myself. Happiness isn't a place, or a moment, or a thing. Happiness is a state of mind. A feeling and a being. I've been checking in with myself regularly over the past few days.... do I feel happy now? How about now? I'm surprised how many times I notice that I am authentically happy. I wonder if the unhappy moments over cloud the happy ones? Like, one unhappy moment clouds 25 happy ones throughout the day?
I also find the dark feelings unbearable. I can't stand it. "Why can't you get it together," I will ask myself. But you know what? These feelings are telling me something big! And that, my friend is what I set out to figure out.
I'm fully dedicated to getting to the bottom of it. I want to attract in amazing things as much as I want to support others to do it too. I want my relationship with Tony to be deep, authentic and healthy (which it is, I just want to continue that) I want to be a present and conscious parent. I want to be a leader and fabulous coach. Those are all things I am dedicated to doing.
And, I'm ready to share my journey with the hopes that it will bring some light to others experiencing the same thing. Many women I know say "me too" when it comes to feelings of depression and anxiety. It is an epidemic, in so many places in the world right now. While I try to figure this out for me, I will share what I am learning to support you too, if you need it.
So, here's a couple things I am trying right now:
I went back to therapy. So far, it's really helpful. I'm pretty sure I manifested my therapist and she is amazing. If you are thinking about therapy for yourself, there are few resources I really like. Goodtherapy.org is great. Your insurance company likely has a list of providers in your area. You can even google therapists in your city. If you are in Anchorage, Alaska, I have a TON of therapists that I would highly recommend, so please reach out to me if you need some support. Not all therapist are the same, and so if one doesn't jive with you, please find another one. I mean, you are sharing your deepest pieces, so it's good to feel good about that.
I am trying to walk in nature a few times a week. This is huge. The sun on my skin, hearing the birds in the trees and even smelling honeysuckle is really connecting in with my mood.
In my meditations I am using crystals to focus my energy. It is actually working! My favorites so far are rose quartz and citrine. Both are quite effective.
I'm soaking in my tub. Without my cell phone. Instead of multitasking, I am trying to focus on letting the warm bath relax my soul.
I am journalling in the morning. Whatever seems to pop up allows me to understand where to go each day.
I am making time to watch TV. I know this sounds silly. But, unless I binge-watch a show, I don't watch TV. I'm working on enjoying all that Netflix has to offer. Which is a TON!
I am trying not to bully myself into getting things done. I want to get rid of a lot of things in my house and I am finding that summoning up the energy for that is hard. I am starting with a list and then will try to check off one thing on the list a day(?) or every few days.
I see my functional medicine doctor tomorrow. I know we will have a fabulous talk about what I am eating.
And, I am focusing on my sleep. I downloaded this cool app called Sleep Cycle on my iPhone and it is so fascinating. It can read from the microphone in your phone how you sleep. Then, you document how you are feeling when you wake up in the morning. It is really an informative process!
As we move forward, I'll pop in with thoughts about mental health awareness. I no longer want to hide this behind closed doors (and in the back of my closet). I no longer want to pretend it's not there. And so, we will take this and lift off of it. You'll still find fabulous information and support about how to get into living a glowy, high vibe life in this blog and going forward with The Happy Love Project. But, we'll be incorporating this in more too.
Until next time, be well and do amazing things.